Now I know how it feels

Now I know how it feels to have an explosive, emotionally abusive husband and have no one there for you to help you back up.

Is it bad enough for me to leave? Am I one of "those" women who make excuses to friends and family and hide the dark secret? Is it my fault? Is it his?

I have to go now. There are still bits of his dinner in the hall.

Somebody please save me. I will give you anything.

Once again he has managed to keep me up until the wee hours of the morning. You have no idea how much it hurts that he doesnt give a shit about my sleep. He makes promises, hints, whatever and he never keeps his word. Then he calls me selfish because I am upset because I can't sleep alone, with the glow of the monitor and the loud typing keys. I am the selfish one. How did I end up in this mess? I don't see how I can continue like this, I need sleep so bad. I am so tired, and not the kind of tired where I didn't get enough sleep last night, but the kind of tired where I havn't gotten enough sleep in so long and it's so deep... I come home from work before him and every chance I get I fall asleep, and then he finds out and thinks I am lazy. Why am I here? Why do I put up with this? And there is nothing I can do. We have talked, we have comprimised, but he does not keep up his end of it. All that is left is to leave him. Leave. I don't think I can do that again. I don't think I can handle another divorce, not emotionally and definately not financially. I am stuck. so stuck. I guess all I can do is blog and cry. That is all I have now.

god

I am so unhappy.

Ashamed and rambling about it

I was trying to figure out today what turns me on and be honest about it with my husband and I got nothing. That is when I realized... I am ashamed of just about anything that turns me on, outside of my fantasies! Sometimes I accidentally see something that turns me on, but even if I am alone I immediately turn away or turn it off whatever, and feel ashamed. I mean, you would think that if someone accidentally happened upon something that turned them on and they were alone they would enjoy it for a while before moving along.

Maybe the reasons for this are:

-I do not feel comfortable with my sexual self?
-It hurts my feelings when my husband is turned on by outside sources, and so I feel guilty if I am?
-I am a freak?
-I am afraid of being ridiculed for my sexual taste? Which is quite normal I think...
-I am afraid that if I start getting turned on by other things that my need for my husband would disappear?

Also, I cannot seem to orgasm during sex, and I am usually quite dry. Having the focus on me during sex makes me extremely uncomfortable. I do feel that if I were more in touch with my sexuality and if I was more open with my sexual desires with myself and my husband that our sex life would improve... so why is that not happening?

I do masturbate, but usually by myself and every great once in a while to an erotic novel, which my husband knows about. But I cannot masturbate in the same room with anyone, not even him. I have thought many times if I masturbate and get myself wet before I try to have sex, it would be more enjoyable, but that does not seem to be an option.

This has all been an issue for a long time, but not forever. I do remember times when I was younger that I felt I could be honest about my sexuality, and that being turned on was not something to be ashamed of. So why is it that as I get older I am more sexually repressed? Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?

Fight

I hate fighting, but I continue to do it. Tonight I was particularly nasty. It just seems that he is so unmoved by anything I have to say, he has no compassion or even feelings. I could tell him I hate him, I am going to cheat on him, I want to kill myself... and he would just shrug. It's easy to blow up at someone when you know you will have no effect on them.

The fight was about, yes, men looking at other women... sort of. It shouldn't have been as it was a harmless conversation I started out about self help books, but he insisted on arguing and saying that all self help books are crap, and how nobody out to make money can actually help anyone, and how Penn & Teller had a whole episode about how self help books are a load of shit...
Ok, who cares? If they help someone, who cares? If they shine the light a little differently on a subject and it makes you see things in a new light... who cares how much money they make or if their PhD is valid?? And really who gives a rats ass about a Penn & Teller episode, really.

And somehow it all came back to men looking at women, and if he looks or if he doesn't look. He just loves to argue. It's like he knows my sensitive spots, and whenever he knows he is losing a debate with me, he turns it into something he knows I cannot help but argue about. The conversation very quickly turned away from John Grey and Dr. Phil and became about us and our problems.

What really bothers me is that he changes his facts so much, and then denies it! He tells me he does not look at women, he only sometimes notices them, but no more than he would notice a man or a child... but then goes into how all men are hardwired to spread their genes and how all men look and there is nothing wrong with that, and he is a man and if I want a happy marriage than I will have to learn to live with it weather I like it or not.

So tonight I finally snapped. I said fine. Women look too. And I started naming off men I used to find attractive (but in the fight I left out the used to part) and told him that from now on I would be "noticing" men. If guys could go to bars and check out chicks, than so could I with men. And maybe if I start noticing men I might start feeling sexy again! And how maybe they will notice me back. I told him he is the only person I want to get attention from, but since I never see him checking me out (but I get to hear about how checking out other women is normal) and he never tells me I am beautiful or compliments me, I guess I will just have to get that attention elsewhere.

I know I see things in black and white. I don't know why, or how to stop. I see relationships working in two ways; either you both are faithful and love each other and have eyes only for each other, or you are swingers and enjoy the "Lifestyle" and share. When you start getting into the gray area I get nervous! How can a man truely love his wife if he is out looking elsewhere, thinking sexual thoughts about this woman and that woman... if he is doing that then why is he not enjoying the "Lifestyle"?

The only way I can see someone in a monogamous relationship checking out others is if they are not getting their needs met at home. Period. How can I be OK with my husband checking out other women? Even if he says he doesn't do it, I don't believe him at the moment. And should I be OK with that? Everyone else seems to be. Why don't I look at other men? Why don't I think other people are "hot". What is wrong with me?

Snippets of thought and conversation

My problem, I think, is that I do not have sexual thoughts about people who are not my partner, which according to what everyone says and the articles that I read means that I am not natural.

I feel that the only thing I can do is to force myself to have a wondering eye, and the thought of that makes my tummy hurt. A lot. But according to what everyone says and the articles that I read is that if I don’t, and I keep him from looking and enjoying other people, then we will end up cheating on each other.

My fear is that if I divorce my husband I will never find anyone who fits my puzzle because according to everything I have read and what everyone has told me is that all men, and all women for that matter, look. I am the freak, therefore I am the one who needs to change. Changing things is difficult, like, being better about picking up after yourself, or quitting smoking, or maybe accepting your spouses taste in music or whatever. It is all part of being in a relationship. But I am having a hard time figuring out how to change this.

I love my husband. He is a wonderful man and he has so many great qualities and so much to offer. He is patient, understanding, supportive, I could go on and on really. And to be honest, I never catch him looking, its not like he has pictures of pretty girls or flirts or anything. The only reason I know he "notices" is because he is always honest with me, and I asked him. This is my problem I have with all men, a problem I have had for as long as I can remember. If this ends up destroying our relationship I will take full responsibility for that, but I am going to try my hardest to figure this out and make the difficult change and learn and live. It feels like I have to jump off a cliff and I am afraid of heights.

Sometimes for me it helps if I understand everything I can about the subject. In this case though, I fear my learning is making things worse. Another thing that has helped me in the past is to fake it, and eventually it becomes natural. I am not too sure that would work in this case because I have such strong feelings about it, and I don't want to send mixed messages when the technique stops working. (I hate you looking, its ok to look, why the fuck are you looking?!?). The last technique I have thought of is for me to focus on looking at men, allowing myself to have thoughts that I would not normally have, or feel extremely guilty for having them. Hopefully what would happen is that after a while I would see that it's not harmful and even a pleasant thing to do, and would learn to enjoy it and accept his enjoying it as a harmless thing as well. At the moment this will not work because if I am out all day checking out other men, I would come home and avoid my husband because my guilt would overwhelm me. Not only would I feel like I had cheated on him in some way, but I would feel like a hypocrite as well.

I want the freedom and security that comes with not being jealous! I want to sit and watch TV with him and be able comment back and forth about if people look good or not. I would love to find out what my husband finds attractive or sexy, and not feel like a huge pile of shit for not fitting into the descriptions he gives. I would love to be able to enjoy porn as a part of a healthy and active sex life, which at the moment we do not have.

I have everything to lose, and at the same time, I have everything to gain.

So I sit at the top of the cliff, shaking, obsessing about the drop and holes in my parachute and I am so lonely and cold up here. If I sit up here for too much longer I run the risk of being alone forever. For me, all of this is such a huge gamble.

I am so scared.