My problem, I think, is that I do not have sexual thoughts about people who are not my partner, which according to what everyone says and the articles that I read means that I am not natural.
I feel that the only thing I can do is to force myself to have a wondering eye, and the thought of that makes my tummy hurt. A lot. But according to what everyone says and the articles that I read is that if I don’t, and I keep him from looking and enjoying other people, then we will end up cheating on each other.
My fear is that if I divorce my husband I will never find anyone who fits my puzzle because according to everything I have read and what everyone has told me is that all men, and all women for that matter, look. I am the freak, therefore I am the one who needs to change. Changing things is difficult, like, being better about picking up after yourself, or quitting smoking, or maybe accepting your spouses taste in music or whatever. It is all part of being in a relationship. But I am having a hard time figuring out how to change this.
I love my husband. He is a wonderful man and he has so many great qualities and so much to offer. He is patient, understanding, supportive, I could go on and on really. And to be honest, I never catch him looking, its not like he has pictures of pretty girls or flirts or anything. The only reason I know he "notices" is because he is always honest with me, and I asked him. This is my problem I have with all men, a problem I have had for as long as I can remember. If this ends up destroying our relationship I will take full responsibility for that, but I am going to try my hardest to figure this out and make the difficult change and learn and live. It feels like I have to jump off a cliff and I am afraid of heights.
Sometimes for me it helps if I understand everything I can about the subject. In this case though, I fear my learning is making things worse. Another thing that has helped me in the past is to fake it, and eventually it becomes natural. I am not too sure that would work in this case because I have such strong feelings about it, and I don't want to send mixed messages when the technique stops working. (I hate you looking, its ok to look, why the fuck are you looking?!?). The last technique I have thought of is for me to focus on looking at men, allowing myself to have thoughts that I would not normally have, or feel extremely guilty for having them. Hopefully what would happen is that after a while I would see that it's not harmful and even a pleasant thing to do, and would learn to enjoy it and accept his enjoying it as a harmless thing as well. At the moment this will not work because if I am out all day checking out other men, I would come home and avoid my husband because my guilt would overwhelm me. Not only would I feel like I had cheated on him in some way, but I would feel like a hypocrite as well.
I want the freedom and security that comes with not being jealous! I want to sit and watch TV with him and be able comment back and forth about if people look good or not. I would love to find out what my husband finds attractive or sexy, and not feel like a huge pile of shit for not fitting into the descriptions he gives. I would love to be able to enjoy porn as a part of a healthy and active sex life, which at the moment we do not have.
I have everything to lose, and at the same time, I have everything to gain.
So I sit at the top of the cliff, shaking, obsessing about the drop and holes in my parachute and I am so lonely and cold up here. If I sit up here for too much longer I run the risk of being alone forever. For me, all of this is such a huge gamble.
I am so scared.
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